Not Really Sure

To be honest, I didn't start this blog to bring people to Christ. I started this blog to express my feelings and to be honest. The title of this post is pretty accurate. I'm not sure about anything anymore: college, my friends, my family, even my 16th birthday party. It's like I live on a high wire, and one false move can plummet me down to places I never wanted to go. I'm the strong one, the ballast for everyone to hang onto during their rough seasons. I've got all of the Bible verses and godly counsel anybody needs. I've got fun parents, cool possessions, and a great personality. But at the end of the day, a facade can only take so much wear and tear before it disintegrates and reveals a person who's struggling just as hard and hurting just as badly as the people who need her. I can spend an entire evening laughing and a whole night crying. But it doesn't matter, because the next time you see me the tears will be powdered away and the raw nerves encased in yet another layer of steel to give them the fortitude to be there for others when they need it. It's slowly becoming easier and easier to be indifferent where I used to be upset or hurt. Why expose bleeding flesh to the bitter air when I can bind it and cover it up? It may throb a little, but that's better than all out pain. I'm supposed to be fulfilled. I'm supposed to be thriving. I'm supposed to be happy. Yet I'm not. But I can't let anyone see that I'm not perfect, because they expect a lot out of me. And expectations are a heavy burden to bear. And a rep is a fragile thing. And people are hard to please.